Dedicated to the wit and comedy of Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, and Gummo
Marxisms and Words of Wisdom
- "Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it."
- "Wages makes wage slaves."
- "I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're in my socks."
- "If there was no action around, he would play solitaire--and bet against himself." (about Chico)
- "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
- "Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."
- "How would you like to feel the way she looks?"
- "Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
- "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
- "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and thats not saying much for you."
- "I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that."
- "Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana."
- "Room service? Send up a larger room."
- "He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days."
- "Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an Idiot."
- "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
- "Those are my principles, if you don't like them, I have others."
- "A child of five could understand this...fetch me a child of five, I can't make head or tail of it."
- "From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter, someday I intend reading it."
- "You've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
- "A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
- "You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"
- "Why should I care about posterity, what has posterity ever done for me?"
- "I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
- "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know."
- "I must say, I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."
- "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
- "If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you."
- "I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
- "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
- "I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury."
- "Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
- "Women should be obscene and not heard."
- "Why did I sit with her? because she reminds me of you, that why I'm here with you, because you remind me of you, your eyes, your throat, your lips, everything about you reminds me of you...except you. How do you account for that? (if she figures that one out she's good.)"
- "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- "As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife."
- "Well, art is art isn't it? Still on the other hand water is water, east is east, and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does."
- "I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
- "Whatever it is, I'm against it."
- "Hello, I must be going."
- "A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke."
- "Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
- "Do you think I can buy back my introduction to you?"
- "I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
- "Ice water? Oh, you want some ice water? Get some onions, that'll make your eyes water."
- "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing, if you can fake that you've got it made."
- "Time wounds all heels."
- "Pardon me while I have a strange interlude..."
- "There's one thing I want to do before I quit...Retire."
- "You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you."
- "Hey! don't drink that poison, that's $4 an ounce!"
- "My mother loved children, she would have given anything if I had been one."
- "Oh, you're from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He lived in whales for awhile."
- "I could dance with you untill the cows come home, on second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows untill you come home."
- "Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face."
- "Why don't we break away from all this and lodge with my fleas in the hills...I mean, flea to my lodge in the hills."
- "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
- "You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to peices."
- "Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself."
- "I love sitting on your lap, I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up."
- "Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is of course if you like living in an institution."
- "If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."
- "I drink to make other people interesting."
- "There's only one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him, if he says yes, you know he's crooked."
- "Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot."
- "The only game I like to play is 'Old Maid', providing she's not too old."
- "A moose is an animal with horns on the front of it's head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
- "She got her looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon."
- "No one is completely unhappy at the failure of their best friend."
- "Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
- "I'm going back into the closet, where men are empty overcoats."
- "Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life."
- "My brother thinks he's a chicken, we don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs."
- "Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning."
- "I knew a fellow named Otto Kahn. He was a very rich man, and his close friend was Marshall P. Wilder, who was a hunchback. They were walking down Fifth Avenue and they passed a synagogue. Kahn stopped for a moment and said, 'You know, I used to be Jewish.'
Wilder said, 'Really? I used to be a hunchback.'"
- "I hope they bury me near a strait man."
- "Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
- "Just what are 'Time Flies'? and why do they fly like arrows?"
- "Who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes?"
- "It's better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."
- "I wasn't kissing her, I was whispring in her mouth."
- "Mustard's no good without roast beef."
- "If things get too much for you, and you feel as if the whole world is against you, go stand on your head, if you can think of anything crazier to do, do it."
- "You do not have to speak to be heard."
- "HONK! HONK!"
May not be exact due to the fact it was done by memory
For a full transcription, Watch "Animal Crackers" and start writing.
- "Why you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you? Strange how the wind blows tonight, it has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old moslin. How happy I could be with either one of these two if both of them just went away."
- "Party, Party, Here I am talking of parties, I came down here for a party, what happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods looked down and laughed. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach."
- "Living with your folks, living with your folks, The beginning of the end, drab dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows. Hideous stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time, and in those corridors I see figures, strange figures, weird figures.....steel 186, anaconda 74, american cane 138..."
Groucho's Strange interludes found in "Animal Crackers" (1930)
May not be exact due to the fact it was done by memory
GROUCHO:"friends, I'm going to tell you about the great, wonderful, mysterious continent of Africa.
Africa is God's land, and he can keep it. Well, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of Feb. 2. After 15 days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
We at once proceeded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear, this bear was six foot seven with a stocking cap and shoes..."
DUMONT:"(interrupts)excuse me just a moment, I though polar bears lived in the frozen north..."
GROUCHO:"oh you did? well this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate, he was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter.
You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine. Frozen north, my eye. On the day of our arrival, we led an active life, the first morning saw us up at six,
we breakfasted and were back in bed at seven, this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at 6:30. One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat..."
DUMONT:"(interrupts again)Smoking some meat?"
GROUCHO:"Yes, there wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood, as I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers..."
DUMONT:"(interrupts again)Oh! Captain, did you catch six tigers?"
GROUCHO:"I bagged them, I bagged them to go away but they hung around all afternoon, they were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen.
The principle animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk, and lawyers. Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game, the first day I shot two bucks, that was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? a moose runs around on the floor, eats cheese and is chased by the cats.
The elks on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the waterhole, and you should see them run when they find it is only a water-hole, what they're looking for is an alco-hole.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
Then, we try to remove the tusks, but they were imbedded so firmly we couldn't budge them, however in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about.
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks..."
Groucho's Captain Spaulding monologue found in "Animal Crackers" (1930)
